eh?

So I was trying to turn a person journal into a publically-readable blog entry & then Plumb’s “I Can’t Do This” came on my music player(I’d say ‘iTunes’, except I don’t/can’t use that!) & I realized just how well it summarizes what I was trying to convey:

I woke up late
Guess I’m never really early
I hesitate, only to fail
I get so tired, of procrastinating
I need a change

I can’t do this…
I can’t do this by myself…
Oh God, I need Your help

I’m standing still
I’m oh, so peaceful
I can’t pretend, that I’m fine
I get so ill, crazy, agitated
When I’ve not really died

I can’t do this…
I can’t do this by myself…
Oh God, I need Your help

Press into me
Breathe me in
Bask in me
You’ll be free to do anything

I guess this is a ‘part 2′ of my ‘death of death‘ post.. & I guess this will be more like “random thoughts from the front line” of my daily fight with myself:

While I’ve grown into a certain ‘wholeness/healed-ness’, I still have need. The same need Plumb sings of: “I can’t pretend, that I’m fine, I get so ill, crazy, agitated, When I’ve not really died.”

I still have a hole inside. & that hole isn’t to be filled with the Bible- it’s to be filled with God himself, even as much as I deny that. Ahh yes, the denial. I ignore my need, instead of outright denying it’s existence. (Hmm.. just like ‘everyone else(unbelievers)’ I’d presume?!) & I seem to wait until I have no other option but admit that my need has a real presence in my life. Faithfulness is willing to admit this need **before** it becomes a practical, present, empirical, felt reality.
It seems I’m on a litle journey. My life is marked with a desire for knowledge, for understanding. Call me Solomon- I’ve tried the seeking it all. Head-knowledge left me hollow & depressed. I’ve tried listening to my flesh: it left me sick of myself, bound tight & angry. The routine, rote ‘religion’ was unable to touch either of these, in fact, it effectively contributed to the depression & anger! So it is, my final resting point (and I always knew it would be) is in Jesus, who alone brings me into the Father’s love(emotional/social healing), life(purpose), truth(logic)[am I now creating a transcendental argument for God?? ].
Had I tried Taoism, I’d never get the personal, emotional, social healing.
Had I tried Hinduism, the same would be true as Taoism, but I’d live in fear.
Had I tried Buddhism, I’d be left to wonder, as well as being empty & without enjoyment.
Had I tried Judaism, I’d be left to wonder about the messiah, and still without relationship with the Father.
Had I tried Islam, again– no relationship with the Father! I’d be living in fear.
Now that I’ve posted this for the world to see, surely people in every camp will rise up against me & say, “but I don’t live in fear, etc..” Of course you don’t. You’re not me. I know myself & my needs & hurts. I needed deep emotional & social healing. & I’ve got that– in continuing life in Jesus.

My relationship with the Father is active. He didn’t ‘zap’ me into wholeness & into independence from Him. I’m dependant on Him. Some would say that’s no different than drugs. Zoloft offered freedom from depression too, right? That’s a short-term solution that wouldn’t ‘ve allowed me growth. It solves the effects, not the cause. I would have learned nothing of myself that way. I don’t find out my pride that way. I’m not moved toward a ‘better humanity’ that way.

So back to the battle, eh? My sinful self is funny. It tries to compromise.  I try to find the solution that will allow two complete opposites live in harmony together (how ’bout that taoism!) But how can I say my sin ’supports’ my righteousness? Perhaps to be a good taoist, I’d have to claim that sin & righteousness a false categories & they exist only because I differentiate the two, and they are really nothing more than actions. But anyways..

I’ve heard people say & I’ve read books about how discipline is the ‘answer’, but the who can discipline the flesh?? The more we feed it, the stronger it gets; the deeper we indulge, the worse our potential becomes (Eph 4.22: “in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit”).

Seems to me that I’m probably misconstruing the idea of ‘christian discipline’, but I do so only to highlight how easy it is to do & how I’ve heard ppl see it like this. Seems that Eldredge has a ‘better’ perspective. “Make no alliance with the enemy. See it as a battle.” Make no alliance, eh? Hmm.. yup, that’s what came my way a few days past in the language of compromise!
“I’d rather fight you for somethin’ I don’t want,
than take what ya give that I need..” –Rich Mullins.