eh?

A few weeks(months?) ago, I noticed a funny little article about how smart women can’t seem to get a guy, so they start ‘dumb-ifying’ themselves. Such concoctions of words like ‘dumb-ify’ herein prove their concern: Men aren’t smart like them.

Well, Christine just happened to blog about this topic, but looking to why men aren’t so thrilled by such smart, independent women. Lots of reasons, & I’ve been on this topic for a year or so now in my own head, but come to think of it, I had a little email discussion 6 years ago with a college friend, who was herself a smart young lady (props to ya beth, if you ever find this!)

I’m an Eldredge-ite, no denying it. His first take would be something like, “Of course men go for the girls who don’t have an opinion, etc.. etc.. Why? because they’re afraid they don’t ‘have what it takes (when it counts)’ to be with her. If she’s smart, she’ll challenge him on things. & often he won’t know ‘why’ he’s doing what he’s doing, nor will he know ‘how’ to do something she’ll ask of him. Men marry for safety.” Hence, they go after the ’silly little girls.’ In his mind, they’ll listen to him & I know this will sound bad, but he wants to ‘conquer’, but he wants it ‘easy’. John Eldredge himself noted this feature in himself: “Stasi adored me.” Hmm.. didn’t Christine quote that line, “For a man to develop a bond, it’s not enough that he’s adored..”? So the typical guy will fulfill this desire to ‘win’ the girl, but will do so in a way that bows to his second desire– ease.

Now, if you’re tracking with me so far, good job, cuz that’s only half the issue.. probably less! & surely you’ve got questions/expereinces with men that may seem to run contrary to what I just wrote, so that’s why there’s more: What is the source of this ‘ease’? Is it good or bad? I’m going to say that ‘ease’ is a man’s greatest undermining voice. It’s from the enemy saying, “you can have your cake and eat it too”, “there’s no reason to fight– give in..” Mr. Eldredge would say that is compromise. “Making agreements (alliances)” is Eldredge’s phrase. What’s the end result of this? Men taking what’s in front of them, instead of holding out for what God has. It’s living by sight; it’s 100% anti-faith. Again, what’s the end result? Men going for what’s easy & losing that ’special something’ that comes by ’sticking your head out’ for something that isn’t easy. We lose our strength. & when we don’t have any strength to give, we make it up, putting on a facade. We fake it.
Now, let me explain this ’strength’. It’s not primarily physical. It’s not the front-lineman of the Steelers kinda strength. Not the locker-room jock-talk, story telling of ‘back when I ___’. Not the intellectual spounting off his vast quanitites of knowledge, not all these facades. Sad to say, I know people who are ‘put off’ by Eldredge because they’ve seen men read wild at heart & all of a sudden, they feel like they have to go out & be a beer-chuggin’, 4 wheel drivin’, cliff-divin’ son-of-a-gun. Oddly enough, that’s 100% opposite of what John’s saying. All that is the facade. The filling of the empty hole inside of ‘em with the physical, instead of with God Himself.

A man’s truest strength is in his character, specifically, in his faith, and the faithfulness that comes from choosing LIFE over DEATH, choosing the what God promises over what is being offered in the minute, in the moment, right in front of you: what feels good in your emotions, what seems right in your intellect, what is presently available(that from Richard Blumenstock, of Cedarville University). Interestingly, didn’t John write about this in 1 John 2??

because the darkness is passing away and the true Light is already shining (v8)… The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.(v17)

Living for the moment will really lead you deeper into yourself, into your sin, leaving you empty & robbed of strength of faith.

(—Deep breath—) Yeah. Still with me? Now we get to apply man’s greatest weakness to what that means to you ladies.

First off, we’ve noted that men will go after the ones who won’t challenge him. That’s not to say: 1) all you ladies who have a guy should instantly consider themselves ‘non-challenging’. Don’t read this backwards into yourself. Please. That’s the enemy attacking your weak-spot. 2) women should make themselves non-challenging (whatever that means or looks like) 3) Men should go after a non-challenging woman. All I’m saying is that men tend towards ease, & that’s a bad thing.
Now, what is it between a man and a woman? How is he to act? to ‘be’? It seems simple: a man has strengths and weaknesses & so do you(the young lady he’s with). Let’s be honest about them & not hide. Let me help you live more out of faith, glorifying God. & ya know what? I need that too! I’ve got some weaknesses as well. but the thing is, I, as a man don’t need you to help me fix that by telling me to read my bible or pray more. Or scheduling my life so that we have a ‘prayer time’ in the morning. I need you to pray for me. I need you to listen to my heart. Not condemn me, but forgive me, no matter how ugly the mess I’ve made of myself. I need you to remind me of the truth that cuts most deep in my heart. I, as a man who wants to be faithful, need you to challenge me unto faith. & how that actually happens needs to be the subject of more conversation between the genders!

But notice here- that confronting quality is in the strong ladies we’re wondering about why they can’t get dates! These are the good girls who will challenge us guys.. but remember, we NEED challenged, but we don’t WANT challenged. It’s a strong man who wants challenged in his faith & who thereby wants a woman who is likewise strong in faith.
Obviously, these kinds of things are super-personal, & for the context of a very trusting relationship. I don’t expect a girl I met once to come up to me & say, “how’s your faith in jesus today, really? Tell me of your failure- I’m here for you.” No go. This is intimacy of a very deep kind.

So that’s the deep, dark core of relationships, miles away from all us single-folk! How to ‘get there from here’?? By making you ladies ‘fake’ ways for us guys to felt ‘needed’ by you? Silliness. That’s for those lame(& I use lame in the truest sense — weak, sick) guys who have no strength of faith. Those guys have a sickness indeed. Those guys need you ladies to pray for them, instead of getting carried away dreaming about the strong man. Those weak guys are all of us guys. The strong man of your dreams doesn’t exist, short of jesus. But in time, we sickly folk can become stronger.. & stronger all the more with your help, indeed.

I know, I keep talking about you ladies ‘helping’ us men. I don’t mean to make it sound like we’ll never offer you strength! Remember, I did say we do have strengths to offer you. & we will. Just remember, us guys get the beat down nice & hard from the enemy all the time.

So to finalize, what’s the ‘help’ look like in first-budding friendships? It means praying for each other. It means having the grace to politely accept a man’s attempts at displaying his strength. It means you ladies having faith to see beyond your ‘dream guy’, just like it does us guys to see beyond our ‘dream girls’ to see you. It means being available. Present. Often times it’s just a matter of context– how can I meet you if there’s no place for me to ‘bump’ into you??

Stuff like that.