Maybe it’s the end of me for me.

I’ve lived thus far just trying to live. To get me normal, up-to-speed.
Now that I have, I’ve found it insufficient.
“So what” about me, “Who cares?” “I’ll survive.”
and with that, I slack down to survival.
But survival was the level I was running from!
but now, having flown to the heights and back down,
“Eh, that was nice. I’ll stay here.. ease.”

But maybe this is when the difference happens-
when something changes, when I stop thinking about me & what I need, but what others need me to be.

“Pfft! Who needs me?! Especially here! And even if they did, I can ’smoke’ ‘em with what I already know.”
but that’s my brain saying, “There’s nothing more than what I know already” and effectively, “God doesn’t have anything for me or anyone else.”

This is laying down my life. and part of me is saying, “God, I’ll start praying if you’ll start working.” Where is death around me that needs life? ..oh yes.. there..

I had an funny thought in my head a minute ago.. I think that when I die and see Jesus, I’ll say something like, “Sorry, I tried my best, but people are idiots.” And I get the impression that he’ll reply with something like, “Yeah, I understand, I’ve been trying for a few thousand years too..”

In good Kierkegaardian ‘genius’ style, I have had an insight that I shall bestow upon my readers: Psalm 119.74 is the key to social popularity! And as we all know, the Bible has value only insofar as (again, thank you Kierkegaard!) it has to do with ME and my FELT needs.

Oddly enough, even this ‘genius’ idea won’t be good enough for many, who see no value in attention gained from “those who fear You.” And who would have thought that we all are ‘popular’ anyway, from the One who can fill our need for attention. (That really does sound quite audacious!)

Dunno why or how exactly I came across this, but here’s some of what I hope to study in/for a MA/PhD in Philosophy. And yes, I do understand 90% of it!

And for comic relief..

Now, for those of you who read this blog-o-la of mine, you’ve probably noticed that it’s not the most readable. It’s really more like a series of ‘first drafts’ without ever getting to the ‘final’ draft. If I had the time, then I would be reviewing and rewriting, building and extending arguments, but I don’t, so this is what ya get from my head while in church this morning (although, not always explicitly within anything said):

1) “God’s in my spiritual clique.”

This morning Daniel mentioned how it’s within the nature of ‘cool’ to blow ppl off. There’s the “I’m cool, and I only associate with those who are ‘on my level’.” Usually socially, but we all have our lines of judging.

So what happens when we take this mentality with us to church? or to Jesus? Often we keep our own identity that we want, like and have paid dearly in time and effort to create. That identity is ‘cool’ and so when all our social relationships are based on that factor, when we get involved with Jesus, well.. I’m cool, and I’m now involved with Jesus, so.. Jesus must be cool… right?

Wow. Talk about turning the “love you enough to not leave you like you are” on it’s head. While our pastor didn’t so much hit on some of these previous ideas, he did counter it with the truth that Jesus doesn’t display this feature of being ‘cool’. It’s not about exclusivity. It’s about looking at a crowd and looking for the one or two who are missing. and then, not just noticing “Where’s Tom?” but then going after ‘em. Basically, if Jesus WAS cool (blowing off those who aren’t like him) we’d be toast a long time ago.

2) Weak duty.

There’s been too many people around me over the years who have become convinced that “I need to pray and read my bible and go to church and do church-stuff despite there being any actual difference or change to myself, my life, my friends because of these activities, cuz that’s what faith is.”

I don’t know what it is within me that took that idea and revolted against it, and to a large degree, I never never explicitly said that I was rejecting it. Rather, I “just knew” that Jesus’ involvement in my life not just “should” or “could” or “ought” make me act different.. but that if Jesus is my life, then that has something to do with my mind and emotions as well as my actions and decisions. I don’t know when or how that idea became embedded in my theology, but it did, and it’s the central theme to my daily living. Jesus has made an incredible difference in my present-day life, often with me fighting against his bringing it out within me.

3) Strong fighting.

Which brings me to my third ’strain’ or ‘version’ of Christianity. In undergrad there were those who tried to reform my Christianity to the weak duty(usually by means of “you’ll feel like it after you do it” bunk; maybe I’m still not spiritual enough!) when I explained to them that I “just didn’t feel/couldn’t bring myself” to sing the ‘worship’ songs that spoke of my having a present, positive emotional state towards God. Looking back, I can only see these people as those who have more self-control of their life and emotions than I did. If you can tell yourself to “be happy” about any given topic, then you’re a ‘better’(more independent, and less understanding of your need for Jesus?) person than I am in this area.

I’m more than happy to call Jesus my ‘crutch’. Why? Cuz I’m more than happy to tell you that I’m a mess on my own. And not just tell you, I’m fully unable to hide it. I’m the brutally honest ‘uncool’ one who’s glad Jesus isn’t too ‘cool’ to blow me aside.

I titled this version of Christianity as “strong fighting,” which thus far may sound ridiculous since all I’ve mentioned is my weakness! As I live my life according to Jesus’ strength, I then gain confidence (faith!) in He who has proved himself (according to “my eyes” which some are all to fast to use in this instance). But that’s exactly it: I live and am told to live according to how I see, feel, think; what tastes good, what smells good, what feels good. That which makes me ‘cool’. but if Jesus loves my ‘uncool’ self, then why do I need that which is ‘cool’ for my spiritual fulfillment/growth? I’m left fighting against all that wars against my soul for Him who is for me.

While searching for 2 Cor 12.9, I came across another: 2 Cor 11.3: “But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.“

Absolutely. I have no other message to my brothers.

What is it about this new millenium (about the past century really!) that gets us all begging for identity and, well, something MORE than just words – art?

Logocentristic ideologies vs. Aesthetic symbology.

Perhaps in it’s marketing attempts to reach us, capitalism has reached out throughout our common language and stolen all our words for it’s own purposes, such that:

The whole world is made to pass through the filter of the culture industry. The old experience of the movie-goer, who sees the world outside as an extension of the film he has just left (because the latter is intent upon reproducing the world of everyday perceptions), is now the producer’s guideline. The more intensely and flawlessly his techniques duplicate empirical objects, the easier it is today for the illusion to prevail that the outside world is the straightforward continuation of that presented on the screen. This purpose has been furthered by mechanical reproduction since the lightning takeover by the sound film. –Adorno & Horkheimer

On the other hand,  standardized commoditization and ‘kitsch’ leaves us without anything for ourselves.

I want to say that it’s Platonic, in terms of exalting beauty, but I also want to call it anti-platonic in it’s image/shadow preference. I suppose it’s a ‘new kind of divided line,’ in triple-form where images (can) display beauty, words (can) display truth and actions (can) display goodness, all pointing to the Form of the One that is Good, True and Beautiful; the exaltation of shadows.

This freeing of the shadows from being subjugated by word into their own parallel domain is possible only by the symbology of both word and form. In a sense, the artist creates his own language which when privy to, the audience can listen and respond to just like verbal communication.

But there is a fear here. Our logocentrism is shown in our belief/trust/preference that words are more specific, and less likely for mis-interpretation. We as christians, want to make sure we’re clear about Jesus. But I dare say that we’ve chopped up the tree to see how it works and in process lost as much as we’ve found. I may want to know my wife(whoever she will be), but you won’t find me dissecting her like I biology lab!

But Art, when informed by the deepest knowledge we have of reality (even when attained through dissection) has the ability to communicate that knowledge through extra-linguistic means as much as action does. Thus you can love Jesus with your heart, mind and action all to the same level of inherent importance. (I say inherent because it all changes if you only think when God tells you to act).

So I’m getting the impression that there’s a lot of people my age who are doing a lot of the same things I am. We’re all white post-college’ers who value the same thing: real good art and real good relationships. We’re all white and somewhat urban-ish… that is to say, “yuppie” and most of us are running or involved in small businesses.

It’s funny that we’ve all got a similar identity and theme. No one told us to go start a small business. For most, it was like, “we love this; we can do this; let’s do this!”

It’s funny how social-theorists/commentators like to jump on the bandwagon that the philosophers have already jumped off of. I remember a few years back how savvy you were to use the word ‘postmodern’(or as my philosophy prof short-handed: po-mo). It’s a dirty word now. Overdone, overblown, emptied of meaning. I caught hold of this when I saw a million and one christian books about the joys or evils of po-mo theology & practice, and laughed at most of ‘em for missing the point. They all were turned by their modernistic mind to try to define the anti-definable.

But here we are nonetheless. PoMo’ers living out the values.

The new metanarrative seems more and more to be capitalistic. And while pomo’ers should be antagonistic about ‘big business’ (and they are) they still embrace capitalism as a ‘necessary evil’, to the point of using it for their own purposes- creating small businesses ruled by their own values.

I get confused though, because this is all about people like me. What of the urban minorities? From what I’ve seen they are taken by the ‘culture machines‘ as much as the rural kids who ‘just want out’, who hear of a ‘far away place of bliss’ from the culture industry. And even the Bobo’s, while rejecting one form of capitalism and it’s product embrace their own ‘organic/yoga/low-emission’ version.. Looks like the Frankfurt School really did describe PoMo culture best.. it’s all a herd of people following their own version of the same “give-me-what-i-want” savior. Seems nothing has changed much.

So call me crazy, but I agree with the German Rationalist (see the end of page 3).

Speigel has a funny LONG article on the role of religion on the continent and in the states.. and it’s kind of a kludge. The writer has some good insights from some people who have something good to say, but they seem to be connected to some ill-logic (9/11 = rise of christian fundamentalism in states). Maybe I’m out of it, but I think religious fundamentalism has been going on in the states from before 9/11. Maybe I’m missing something though. I’d see it more in generational terms: my grandparents were the atheists. My parents are the old-school religion=good. In between those 2 generations, you have the ’80’s liberal christianity kids. I’m in the 90’s “nihilism didn’t do me any good and Jesus did” crowd. Somewhere between me & the 80’s generation (now in their late 40’s), those in their 30’s now are the pluralistic ‘little gods’ who view life as all about themselves, including the ‘use’ of Jesus. And younger than me are an interesting set of kids who are born of the 80’s liberal /cultural christianity- 100% christian schooled, and twisted views of what america is(usually indoctrinated with/holding to ‘pet theologies‘)

So where’s the fundamentalism? It’s a kludge itself, mostly in the old-timers (in their 50’s) who still have an affinity from religion mixed with the 80’s  culturalized-into-conservitism-so-much-that-it’s-liberal and the kids who’ve been raised in it.

9/11 didn’t so much do anything for those who don’t believe so much as helped to polarize those who were “looking for the devil behind every bush.” Sadly, this will leave america completely missing the point- not seeing the devil’s work in our own souls.

But like Jurgen Habermas, I seem to think that rationalism and religion have often been nipping and biting at each other so much in their zero-sum tug of war that fundamentalism has arisen inevitably. Why not merge the two, “like in the good ol’ days” (Augustine/Boethius/Aquinas/Calvin). Where are the volumes of logical, well-thought out worldviews? I like Piper as much as the next guy, but the fundamentalist can use him as fuel. I’d LOVE to see Piper write “Contra American-stupid-religion.” I think what he has written can well be used for this purpose as well, as one of the underlying pillars, but it’s not explicit.

(comments are preferred about speigel over my own silliness, but i’ll take what i get)

So I’m a theology student. Have been for the past, oh 8 years. One thing that drives me up the wall is when Jesus(read: gospel) isn’t the focus nor centre of what we “CHRIST”ians seem to busy ourselves with. It’s amazing how side-tracked we get, and how most ppl don’t seem to notice. I fully understand- you can’t win a battle you’re not fighting. Nor can you win a battle you’re fighting for in the wrong front. (Some will whine here over my use of ‘battle’ language in a war-skepic country. Relax.)

But here in America, we have a tendency driven by our selfish natures and played to by capitalism: gimme what I want now. We’re no longer used to patience, sacrifice and dependence. Now the fun part of this blog: what has this trend done to theology?? What happens if I baptize the Bible into selfish living? This is an impressive feat, since the Bible itself is explicitly a call to self-denial(so much more than that, but it’ll work for now). Well, for starters, you have to edit the plotline. I can’t have my way and not have my way. One has to win out, and if we’re being good Americans, we’ll choose “gimme what i want now.” So any word of change and challenge is right-out. And in comes the “comfort food” theology. Here’s a prime list of “pet theologies” that you won’t have any luck finding in the Bible:

1. Don’t think too much. It’s dangerous. You’ll lose your faith.
2. Democrats are the devil.
3. God wants you to be blessed (rich).
4. Terrorism = persecution of Christians.
5. Eastern culture has more ‘evil’ in it(America=promised land).
6. Jesus is coming back in the next 5-10 years.
7. The world is only 7k yrs old(it’s a great idea, but the Bible’s hoenstly agnostic on this one!).
8. Heirarchy of sin (especially homosexuals who are so much more evil than me).
9. The height of spirituality is praying and reading our Bibles all day long.
10. The pastor is more holy than the rest of us.
11. The pastor and missionaries are to do the work.
12. You’re not saved if you’re not “Ba-yab-tist”(or within your own self-selected group)

Rather than these, what you’re going to find in the Bible is a nice warning against this load of crap. We’re told instead to keep(hold dear, cuz your life depends on it!) to His commands, and to teach others to hold on to ‘em too. Now, if anyone has a problem with me questioning ppl and seeking for their best, it’s evidence once again that america is a lover of herself, not of each other.

Credit where credit is due: She helped me with the list and the idea of this entry

I’m rapidly coming to the end of my ability to communicate what I want to about living like Christ.

I could whine & complain about how death is a more common word in the New Testament than love, and how nearly everyone around me doesn’t seem to ‘get’ that dying daily isn’t an option. I can understand though. Just how is it that we are to die? Is there a 3 step method? Most ppl are so focused on the material and the doing aspects I think they don’t think about their own soul and the mess that’s usually found there.

Just look at yourself for a second. Ignore the question of “do you like how you live?”, cuz that only works when we’re honest, and have higher expectations out of life than what we get, and honestly, most of us have lowered expectations about what life here can offer us- to the level of minimising even what Jesus can do in this life with it. So look at this question instead: how often do you get angry? how often do you just want something to ‘go your way’? How often do you sigh in resignation about your job/boss/classes/significant other? Now, where do you think those things ‘come from’? Do you think that they are all connected, having a source somewhere? If not, if you think life is just random with nothing ‘there’, then go live your “eat, drink & be merry” life. You’ve condemned yourself already.

But for the fateful few who dare look into themselves, who dare believe beyond their own understanding that “there’s more” than what you see and know, what is it behind all your emotional torment/mishaps? Why are you angry? Why do you fight? Are you hearing yourself inside screaming “I just want ____ (my way)?” Peter demanded it. The rich man felt it inside. What was Jesus’ response? “Listen to me instead of you. Your answer to life isn’t found doing things your way.” What did Jesus challenge these men on? Their piety? Cuz they didn’t read their Bible enough? DOing is NOT the point.

How then do I do as Jesus requires? Listen to Him. Notice your own desires. Be honest. “Jesus, I want ____. What is it that you want? What is it that YOU say about ____? Is ___ apart of Your kingdom, or of mine?” Goodness, if you can’t trust Jesus with your getting upset each day, what CAN you trust Him with?? Isn’t this obedience?

I’m convinced the typical american christian is powerless and weak because he does not live in obedience to Christ because he is not connected to Christ, does not listen to Christ, nor does he want to. I wish this was not the case, but I can’t seem to find any other reason.

Some will then reply to me saying, “but I’ve not heard from Christ, though I’ve tried.” This has been my life too. Usually I’m too stubborn to listen to him shouting about what I don’t want to hear about. I have seen daily that if I do not listen to Him, if I do not submit my will to Him, then He will force His hand to get my attention: my anger will arise, He will show me that I cannot handle myself, that my will and knowledge is not sufficient.